


half a man at best

by stardustandswimmingpools



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: CRAZY MOVIE THEORY, Canon Dialogue, Canon Divergence - Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Fake Character Death, Gen, Thanos (Marvel) Dies, and by 'verse i mean MCU, but very little actual bruce banner present, loki lives, loki was disguised as the hulk all along?, lots of discussion of bruce banner, not realistic but to be fair none of this 'verse is anymore, thor goes for the head, vast overrepresentation of loki's magical abilities, y'all remember that one endgame theory about how, yeah this is that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-20
Updated: 2019-08-20
Packaged: 2020-09-18 18:40:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20317663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stardustandswimmingpools/pseuds/stardustandswimmingpools
Summary: Loki has no idea how the fuck he's going to pull this off.It had seemed optimistic before, but now, lying in terrifying wait for Thanos to be done with them, it seems like a flat-out fantasy.Loki has been in multiple places at once before. But multiplepeople?





	half a man at best

**Author's Note:**

> So, you know that <strike> super unrealistic </strike> theory that circulated for awhile where Loki didn't die and instead he was impersonating Bruce during Infinity War?  
Yeah. That.  
If you're thinking "this is a very generous assumption of Loki's superpowers" I know it is but please let me have this because it's my favorite fan theory and I know it's not true but I like to hypothesize. So if it WERE real, this is how I imagine it would be.  
Title from "Half A Heart" by One Direction, an absolutely wicked song.  
Enjoy!

"Loki," Hulk grunts. Loki can almost make out a note of confusion. It's easier to tell because of the screwed-up expression currently at home on the Hulk's face. He swings his legs over the edge of the massive makeshift bed they've set up for him, and then stands. "What you want?"

"Hello," Loki says curtly. "I would apologize for what's about to happen, but I'm afraid it is — to use the favored Midgardian phrase — the lesser of two evils."

"Huh?" Hulk manages. Loki steps forward, reaching upward, and wraps his palm around Hulk's jaw. He can just barely reach. Hulk begins to look suspicious.

"Goodnight," Loki says. Hulk only has a moment to look betrayed and frightened before he slumps forward as if his strings have been cut. Instantly, the Hulk vanishes, shrinking and distorting until he is gone and replaced by Bruce Banner, insufferably boring scientist.

Loki looks down at the motionless body. He grimaces and doesn't apologize. He's not sorry. Banner will thank him.

With a long-suffering sigh, Loki concentrates his energy on tugging open the dimensional door. The doorway is too small, so Loki focuses intently, and slowly it expands. He glances back at Banner and jerks his chin. Banner flies into the pocket dimension.

It slams shut. Loki closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.

He has a feeling this is going to be a long few days.

* * *

Loki has no idea how the fuck he's going to pull this off.

It had seemed optimistic before, but now, lying in terrifying wait for Thanos to be done with them, it seems like a flat-out fantasy.

Loki has been in multiple places at once before. But multiple _ people? _

Thanos finishes monologuing. Loki is there, but not really there; he is in another room, awaiting his cue — his own cue.

But then he registers what's happening, and who is in Thanos's grip — 

"The Tesseract," Thanos growls, "or your brother's head." He pauses. "I assume you have a preference."

_ Yes _ , Loki thinks. _ I prefer for you to die and I don't care how it happens. _

"Oh, I do," he says. 

_ Traitor. Liar. Snake. Thief. _

Maybe if Thor believes all of this, he won't miss Loki as much.

"Kill away."

And Thor is being slowly killed.

But barely seconds in and Loki can't do it. Loki comes back; Thor never will. There has to be another way to stop him. Two infinity stones is hardly more than one — hardly anything — Thor is _ screaming _ — 

His voice echoes frantically throughout the spaceship. "Alright, stop!"

Thanos does. Mercifully. 

"We don't have the Tesseract," Thor spits. "It was destroyed on Asgard."

Good. Good. _ Traitor. _ Let Loki be a traitor.

And he flickers away from his hiding spot for just a moment to recall the Tesseract.

It slides, smoothly, from the pocket dimension, and Loki holds it before Thanos.

This has to happen, he reminds himself. This is going to happen regardless. He will get it either way.

Thor grumbles, "You really are the worst brother."

"I assure you, brother," Loki says in return. His voice is quivering. "The sun will shine on us again."

"Your optimism is misplaced, Asgardian," Thanos says. Laughing. Condescending.

Optimism. Sure. More like nihilism.

"Well for one thing," Loki says, and trades himself out once more, "I'm not Asgardian."

He pauses. It's the moment of truth here and he knows it. It will either go extraordinarily well or just become an absolute shitshow. 

"And for another," he says, desperately trying to keep his voice level, "we have a Hulk."

And Loki — disguised as Banner's alter-ego — leaps from his hiding place and bodyslams Thanos.

At the same time, Loki's projection of himself dives towards Thor.

He's so startled when he makes contact that the Tesseract tumbles from his grip.

_ One at a time _, he thinks tensely, and focuses on pummelling Thanos. For a blinding moment he almost seems to be winning. He even fixes Thanos into a chokehold.

But Loki should know better than to hope.

Thanos is stronger, somehow; he pries the Hulk's arms off of him, and Loki can feel in his bones that this fight is lost.

He's not used to being the Hulk; it's big and bulky, and he's not so much of a fighter anyway, much more of sweet-talker. His punches are stilted, basic. Thanos gets in hit after hit.

_ Ouch, _ Loki thinks. He feels his projected form flicker and steels his resolve. Because — absolutely not. He has _ not _worked this hard to be destroyed by Thanos.

He surrenders easily, and lets Thanos suplex him to the floor, breath effectively lost from Loki's chest — from the Hulk's massive lungs.

He barely dares try to breathe, anyway.

Meanwhile, his projected form dissipates. Momentarily, and then he brings it back with Herculean effort to hide among the debris. 

But he hadn't counted on Thor.

Stupid, bold, idiotic Thor, who lunges at Thanos only to be tossed aside like a doll and pinned down with broken metal.

Fuck. _ Fuck. _This is going very, very poorly.

But not yet. Loki can't come out yet.

He waits, watches through his projection's eyes, listens through Hulk's ears.

Silence falls for a moment, just a second, and suddenly Loki hears an unexpected voice.

Heimdall.

Heimdall?

Oh — _ fuck. _

_ Heimdall. _

He talks, and Loki is powerless to stop him — if he gets up Thanos will kick him down and then he'll _ really _ be knocked out and screwed. 

The Rainbow Bridge flows through the ship.

Fucking _ shit. _ This is going to take a lot of energy.

Loki-Hulk blinks his eyes open just as the bridge seizes him, and as it whisks him away, Loki loses himself temporarily.

It scrambles his thoughts, and briefly he loses his second eyes. He clenches his fists and tenses his muscles and forces himself to focus his energy.

Through unseen eyes he is back onboard. He focuses on listening — he's missed something, no doubt Thanos killing Heimdall.

Thanos says something about Earth. 

And _ that _is his cue.

* * *

Loki has died many times in many ways. He has felt immeasurable pain. He's been captured, tortured, trapped, damaged.

But ostensibly dying at the hands of the Mad Titan...is possibly the most humiliating.

He hates Thanos fiercely, and, flying towards Earth in Hulk's body, Loki uses the fury to strengthen his projection. He can feel Thanos's grip around his neck, feel the oxygen slowly leaving him, and his spits out: "You...will _ never... _be….a god."

He thinks maybe he hears Thor whimper — could be the lack of oxygen — and then…

And then Loki is projecting a dead version of himself, limp, onto the floor of the ship.

He thinks about Thor. Miraculously, he feels regret.

* * *

Being Bruce Banner is a greater test than projecting a physical instance of himself to be slaughtered. Loki is drawing some energy from the _ real _ Banner, but it's a risk to take too much; Banner is already weak from being asleep in an alternate dimension this long. And he may be the Incredible Hulk, but even Odin could kill him right now. And Odin is _ dead. _

Loki draws only threads from Banner, a few impressions of memories, knowledge, science. Boring things. Odin's _ beard _, Banner is a bore. A veritable snoozefest.

But Loki knows he has to keep up the act. He expects one wrong move is all it will take to arouse suspicion. The Avengers are a suspicious bunch, after all.

He borrows from Banner his mannerisms, even though they make him seem just astonishingly lame. And the man has _ zero _ sense of dress. All in all, Loki couldn't have chosen a more dull person to imitate.

He tries not to think about Thor. He tries not to think about how he left Thor up there at Thanos's whim and he might have _ killed _Thor and Loki wouldn't have known it because Loki had been apparently dead on the floor.

It's all very unnerving. So he doesn't think about it.

* * *

He's not the God of Mischief, alias Silvertongue, for nothing. He thinks he might even consider becoming an actor for the stellar job he does at inhabiting Bruce Banner.

On the battlefield, though, when the smell of electricity and thunder engulfs the air and everything begins to crackle and steam like they're in the ozone layer —

Loki's spirits _ soar. _

Thor lands thunderously, as he does everything, and when he swings his axe — axe? Where did that come from? — it cuts cleanly through Thanos's neck and out the other side.

For a moment, the entire. Battlefield. Freezes.

And then Loki realizes _ it's over _, and he whoops as he pounds one of Thanos's newly-unemployed minions into dust.

* * *

It's difficult to know when Loki ought to drop the act, though. He figures sooner is better than later, considering Banner is still dozing in the pocket dimension, and frankly Loki is _ exhausted _with being Banner.

He struts over to Thor, shedding all of Bruce's countenance as he does. Everyone has dispersed now that the war is done, back to the places they'd come from. But Thor is standing alone. Loki comes up behind him and taps his shoulder.

Thor whirls around, axe level with Loki-Banner's face. When he sees Banner, he lowers it. "Ah. Banner. Hello."

Thor looks upset. Before Loki can stop himself, he says, "What's the matter? We won, didn't we?"

Thor doesn't feel present. He's far away when he replies. "Yes, of course. Good job of it, Banner. I fear…" he sighs heavily. "I am biased. The war was won, but a battle lost. And I have lost...very much."

Loki frowns. "Thor," he says slowly, "I think I ought to tell you something."

"I," Thor begins, and then falters. "Yes? What?"

Loki wonders if he's about to literally kill Thor via heart attack. He takes a deep, cleansing breath, and sheds the disguise.

Thor shouts in rage and punches him across the face.

"_ Ow! _ What the — _ Thor! _"

"Who are you?" Thor growls. He presses forward and Loki leans back.

"Thor, you oaf, it's me, I swear! Honest. It's really me, Loki. Your brother. It was me all along."

Thor gapes, not unlike a codfish. "No," he says, shaking his head. "You — Loki is dead."

"I've been dead before," Loki points out. "It's not for me."

Thor pants, baffled. Loki realizes he actually feels badly. The expression on Thor's face is pure hurt, like an open wound, just waiting to be prodded.

"Prove it," he says lowly. "Prove you're really Loki."

"You once threw a vase at me and when I caught it you were so startled that it hit you in the face when I threw it back," Loki says hurriedly. Actually, this is a favorite memory of his, but it's also definitely a secret between the two of them. Thor had told everyone the bruise had been earned in battle.

Thor sputters. "Loki?" he manages.

"Right here, brother."

Thor's face slams shut. "Where is Bruce Banner," he grits out.

Oh, right. Him.

"Yes, I've got him right here," Loki says brightly. He focuses. In comparison to all the magic he's had to do in the past few days, opening the pocket dimension wide enough to fit Banner is nothing. He tugs the scientist out and Banner's listless frame tumbles in a heap at their feet.

"What did you do to him," Thor says.

"I had to hide him someplace," Loki says. "Don't worry, he'll be fine. Probably. I just put him in — well, I'm not sure if it's Odinsleep, but it's certainly comparable. And then I tucked him away."

Thor glares at Loki.

"He'll wake up sooner or later," Loki adds dismissively. At least, he's pretty sure. The Hulk is supposed to be the indestructible one. Thor doesn't look very appeased, so Loki sighs and says, "Put him on medication if you must. He'll be fine. Honestly, brother, I expected a bit more. A welcome parade, perhaps? A banner unfurling?" Then he laughs. "I suppose I have a banner of a sort."

Thor's face is cycling intensely through a variety of emotions. Loki's always thought he _ felt _too much for his own good.

Finally, staring wordlessly at Loki, Thor pulls out a small device — a cell phone, it seems. Rather..._ human _ for him, Loki thinks. Thor hits a button, puts it to his ear, and waits a moment.

"Stark?" he says calmly. "I have Banner. No — well, yes, but...it's a long story. Listen, he needs medical attention. Yes, he'll be fine." Thor spares a glance at Loki. "Probably. Just come pick him up, would you? He's in Odinsleep or something. He's been in an alternate dimension for — stop talking over me! _ Fine. _ Goodbye." And he hangs up.

"Glad you settled that," Loki says. He keeps his voice level, but he's vaguely offended. Thor is still watching him suspiciously. As if he doesn't believe Loki could pull off a stunt like this. As if he doesn't believe it's _ Loki. _

Or maybe he does believe it, and he just doesn't trust Loki. The thought makes Loki feel...bad things. Unpleasant things.

Thor takes a heavy breath. "I thought you dead, Loki," he says at length.

"Yes, well, I'm exciting like that."

"No. You don't understand. I believed you."

"You believed me the other times, too," Loki points out. Thor stomps furiously on the ground.

"Loki! I watched Thanos break you. You can't plan for that. That shouldn't be possible. Your — your _ apparitions _ can't be —"

"I've been practicing," Loki says curtly. "Would you rather I died at his hand?" He swallows. "I promised the sun would shine on us again. And it is."

Thor's eyes brim with tears, and all of a sudden Loki is being gathered unceremoniously into a tight, bone-crushing hug. Odin's pants, Thor is _ strong. _"Ow," Loki says amiably. "Watch the anatomy. It's delicate."

"I missed you, brother," Thor says quietly. Loki realizes with a start that it's the first time Thor has called him _ brother _ since this conversation began.

He doesn't break the hug, which is a first for both of them. "Yes, yes. I missed you too. I suppose."

Iron Man lands with a thunderous clank on the pavement, effectively pulling the brothers apart. The mask flips open, and Tony Stark stares murderously at Loki. "You!" he explodes.

"Me," Loki agrees. "You!"

Stark blinks. "Thor, what the fuck is going on?"

"Loki has been impersonating Banner!" Thor says cheerily. "He is alive and well."

"Loki has been _ what?! _" Stark seems to oscillate between deciding which aspect of that sentence to focus on. "I thought he died!" he finally exclaims.

"I got better," Loki says.

"Jesus H. Christ," Stark grumbles.

"Wonderful news, isn't it?" Thor prompts.

"_ Wonderful _ — you know what? I don't even want to get into it with you, McQueen. Where's Bruce?" 

Loki points. Stark storms around them and picks up the comatose Bruce Banner in his arms. "You're a menace," he says to Loki, but it seems more by habit than by intention.

"I try," Loki returns.

"This isn't over. We're talking about this later. What did you do to him?"

"He was in an alternate dimension," Loki says calmly. "I had to hide him somewhere while I impersonated him. I've hidden things in other dimensions before. Pocket dimensions, accessible from everywhere."

"Including _ people? _" Stark sounds appalled.

"Well, er, no. But he'll be fine." Probably. "He's the Hulk, isn't he? He's bloody unbreakable, for better or for worse."

"Sicko," Stark mutters, and then wraps a more secure hold on Banner. "Meet me at the Tower, Point Break, Snake Eyes." He looks slightly agitated. It occurs to Loki that perhaps Stark _ cares _for Banner.

Seems impossible. Banner is boring. But stranger things have happened.

Stark jets off without another word. "Don't give me orders!" Loki calls after him.

"Come," Thor says, grinning broadly.

Loki recoils as Thor begins to reach for him. "Um, no."

"What? Why not?"

"Are you insane? They all hate me."

Thor waves this away. "You helped us beat Thanos. They'll be reasonable."

"Will they, though?"

Thor tilts his head and looks at Loki, and for a transient moment Loki is certain he sees lightning crackling in his eyes. The effect, though possibly hallucinated, is intimidating. "They will," Thor insists, a harsh undercurrent in his giddy tone.

Loki rolls his eyes. "Fine, but if anyone attacks me I'll be using you as a shield, I hope you're aware."

Thor booms a laughs. "If you insist."

Loki could protest more. But if he doesn't go with Thor, he'll lose him. And Loki may be a cunning, manipulative bastard, but there's only so many times a guy can lose his brother.

Thor's not the only one who's missed his other half.

So he allows himself to be dragged, griping, by Thor.

It'll be fine. Probably.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading and generally for taking this semi-crack-fic in stride, it is much appreciated. Let me know what you thought! Or if you wanna like hit me with some other slightly more realistic fan theories that's cool too lmao I'll listen to whatever. My Tumblr is @vivilevone if you wanna come find me. Adios!


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